On hats in the dining room
Below is a sampling of the hundreds of responses we received to our newsletter pondering the issue of hats in the dining room, with the letter writers kept anonymous. We have edited any emails that had personal attacks on private persons or particularly bad spelling. For those of you who missed the initial newsletter that started this, we've quoted it first. The letters are dated and listed in reverse chronological order. We'll add new postings as they come in.
October 13: (Posted by Chez Sophie) When you walk into Chez Sophie, there is a sign on the front desk. It's the same sign that was taped to the front door of our previous location in the diner in Malta and it has been just as hard to enforce here as it was there.
It says: "We do not require a jacket or a tie. Out of consideration for your fellow diners, we do ask that all hats be removed and all ringing devices be set to silent mode before entering the dining room."
It would be nice to require a jacket and tie, but in this more casual era, it's nearly impossible. This is a tourist town, and many people come to our restaurant after recreating. Only a small percentage of men wear coats and ties to the office anymore, and a sizeable portion of the population doesn't even own a tie. And Cheryl has always had a problem with the fact that a jacket-and-tie policy affects only men. But you need to indicate before someone enters a place such as Chez Sophie that standards are being upheld.
And hence our policy. It's clear and unisex and non-discriminatory, and asks only that people abide by simple rules that can be adhered to without advance planning, and that if flouted, would affect the enjoyment of other diners. Still, people interpret the rules loosely. They'll turn their ringers off, then stand in the middle of the dining room near the courtyard doors (where cellphone reception is stronger) and chat on their phones, rather than going out to the hotel lobby to make their calls. Women assume that the hat policy applies only to men. If you tell them otherwise, they have terrible fits about being asked to display "hathead." We are also, as a family, trying to figure out what to do about people wearing hats at the bar, which could be considered separate from the "dining room" if you employ a little creative sophistry. Although everyone should take their hat off as soon as they enter our portals, the bar guests frequently don't even remove their overcoats while they are tossing back a quick cocktail. Although our hosts greet everyone who walks in the door, the quickie bar guests often barge past them, tossing "I'm just going to the bar," over their shoulders before they can be properly disrobed and indoctrinated. (It's a lot harder to get past a Parker with a hat on, but we're often on the dining room floor or the kitchen rather than standing in the doorway.)
The "tipping" or removal of a hat is said to have originated from the same place as the military salute. Knights would lift the visor (face guard) on their helm, showing their face as a sign of respect and their empty hand as an indication they meant no harm. This tradition evolved into the modern military salute. Similarly, the removal of a helm (helmet) or other headgear indoors and as a sign of respect or reverence is said to have originated before the Dark Ages. This tradition was carried on throughout the centuries by men of arms (soldiers) and nobility, as well as their staff, servants and slaves and it became particularly ingrained in Western culture during the Victorian era. It is considered a sign of contempt or disrespect to keep a hat on indoors, particularly in a church, home, courtroom or restaurant.
Women are given more leeway, and are allowed to keep their hats on in church and even while the Star-Spangled Banner is playing. It made the international news this year when an 82-year-old granny was asked to remove her hat in an English pub so that the security cameras could see everyone's face clearly. We choose to remove gender from the equation, because, well darn it, this is a privately owned restaurant and we can make up the rules as we go along. If you think a no-hat policy is hopelessly old-fashioned, peruse this email that Cheryl received from a customer Saturday (and bear in mind that these patrons are young and rather forward thinking, not dismissable as old-fogeys):
"We just have to let you know how delightful our meal and overall experience was this past Thurs. evening when we happily found ourselves in town at dinner time. The lamb chop Pink Plate was perfection from soup to dessert. Perfect portions as well. We hate to be served huge amounts of ho hum food. Quality not quantity would be better for us all. It was lucky that Cole and Léo happened to be there as well. Good to see the place pretty full on a week night. It seems being in the hotel has its positives and negatives judging from your vignettes and our observations of the clientele. At least there were no cell phones ringing when we were there, but, your tasteful sign at reception notwithstanding, it really is disappointing to walk into your classy joint to be confronted with classless idiots wearing cowboy hats and baseball caps. Obviously, there is only so much you can do about this without going out of business. Our observations of human nature lead us to believe that the same crass narcissism that fuels this kind of behavior causes its proponents to become enraged and even more unpleasant if they happen to be politely informed of their trespasses. Let us pray that this whole juvenile phase of our society runs its course during our lifetimes (maybe once the current adminstration is out of office?) and that we can once again feel and behave like civilized and respectful citizens in public settings. No one can criticize you for not doing your part to carry on the tradition. Keep being there and we will come."
A few weeks ago the hat issue came up in a tortuously bad way. Cheryl walked into the dining room and saw two wonderful regular customers seated at a table for four and went down to greet them. She trotted off to the nursery to get baby Léo to show her off to them, and when she came back she found their guest of honor had returned from the men's room still wearing his baseball cap. Suffice it to say, the man is an international celebrity, and someone who has dined with us on his own enough times at Chez Sophie in the old diner location that Cheryl greeted him as a returning friend. It turns out our regulars had just closed a real estate deal with him and had brought him and his wife out to Chez Sophie to celebrate. They had all been doing physical labor all day and were tired, and hungry and a little dirty, and were looking forward to a great meal.
The problem was the hat. It's our rule. It doesn't matter who you are. Cheryl managed this summer to gracefully extract trademark hats from two famous writers without any hard feelings, but she knew in this case, that because the customer was tired and a little greasy, he wouldn't take kindly to being decapitated. It would have helped if the hostess had pointed out the sign on the front desk outlining the hat policy before the customer entered the dining room, but she was so star-struck that she was rendered speechless. It also didn't help that several men had just wandered into the bar area with their chapeaus intact, necessitating a multi-pronged approach for enforcement.
Cheryl continued to circle the table, trying to make sure the customers in question encountered no hesitation about any other special requests, because she knew that she was going to try to get that hat without undue unpleasantness. She was off in the kitchen still holding the baby, figuratively chewing her nails over the problem and trying to make sure the guest got no arguments because he'd ordered something that wasn't on our regular dinner menu. When she reentered the dining room, the celebrity's hosts were waiting by the kitchen door with shocked looks on their faces.
"We've been thrown out!" they said with anguish.
Apparently while Cheryl was dithering, her father-in-law, Joseph, had come in, seen the hat and noticed that the man was shrugging out of his jacket. He seized the moment to offer to hang the jacket and the hat in our coat closet. The man declined politely. Joseph insisted on at least hanging the hat. The man suggested that he would stay if he could keep his hat on, but would leave if he was forced to remove it. Standing his ground, Joseph said that might be the best thing.
By the time Cheryl came back out of the kitchen, still clutching little Léo, the hatted man had marched out of the restaurant, leaving his wife an hosts behind. Cheryl and Léo circled the hotel with the wife, trying to find the pedestrian celebrity, while the hosts retrieved their car so they could drive the abandoned wife home. Our hatted guest had politely turned off his cellphone before being seated, so his wife couldn't reach him to find out where he'd gone. The wife was angry, her hosts were humiliated, Cheryl was mortified that things had gone so badly so fast, and Joseph felt really bad about causing a scene. But to tell the truth, Cheryl was a little impressed with Joseph's lack of hesitation about enforcing our 37-year-old hat rule, the consequences be damned. If she hadn't been so timid in the first place, the whole unpleasantness might have been avoided. At the very least, the hatted diner would have walked out before being served, which is a little less embarrassing than doing it while you have cocktails on the table.
Cheryl has been trying to contact the real estate agents to send bottles of Champagne to them and to their client, but they haven't returned her calls. She doesn't want to apologize for having a dress code, but wants to express sincere regret over the graceless way in which it was enforced. Again, if she hadn't been afraid of confrontation, the confrontation would have been a lot smaller and smoother.
October 24: I wanted to add my thoughts to your hat comments: I pondered your situation for a few days (I obviously have no social life), and I've come to the conclusion that you are absolutely right to uphold your policies. Now my boyfriend thinks that you and I are both crazy because he feels you'll lose future business from those who won't comply. I'm of the opinion that if patrons can't make this little sacrifice, you wouldn't want them anyway. Too many people seem to think that they are entitled to behave however they want and are above the rest of us unwashed masses. I would rather be among a more noble, genteel clientele at your fine establishment!
October 23: The thing about cowboy hats is, like hemmeroids, sooner or later every -sshole gets one!
October 22: Hy Cheryl, Paul, and Joseph.
Your hat donnybrook seemed an opportunity for some research into this vital, if mundane, but significant, if limited, yet critical and necessary topic for the ambience of a fine restaurant. Following are some randomly selected comments from the web especially in relation to the wearing of a cowboy hat:
"What I love about my life in North America is that, if it is cold and I do not want to wear a hat, a person might make a suggestion for me to wear one, but, if I don’t want to wear one, there is not much at stake. If I decide to go outside without a hat, there might, at most, be a chuckle or a shrug from the advice-giver and the event is over. Among Russians, it is very probable that you could be surrounded by a large group of people who simply will not allow you to leave the house if you do not put your hat on. And the articulated fear of you "catching cold" is, as we all know, a fictitious cover-up and lie, because there is something much more at stake. And part of it is that, because of the powerlessness that is felt in almost all other areas of life, these individuals attempt to insert control over realms where they can find a modicum of control and, in so doing, hopefully control others.
From The Russian Soul, by Bryan Caplan
Here's a fun and definitive article starting with Tony Soprano convincing a restaurant patron to remove his hat. The article is worth reading in its entirety and is found at the following url.
http://weblog.delacour.net/archives/000710.html
"Indoors, a man should always remove his hat, (particularly in a home, church, courtroom or restaurant) except:
(1) in some public buildings or public places such as railroad stations or post offices;
(2) in the main parlor area of a saloon or general store;
(3) or while seated at the "lunch counter" of a diner or cafe;
(4) in entrance halls and corridors of office buildings, or hotels;
(5) in elevators of public or office buildings, unless a woman is present;
(6) if carrying packages, parcels or bags and both hands are occupied upon entry.
(7) If the man is an actor or performer and the hat is being worn as a part of a costume or performance.
If in doubt, it is best for a gentleman to remove his hat indoors as soon as practical.
It is considered a sign of contempt and/or disrespect to leave your hat on when it would be proper to remove it.
from http://www.bcvc.net/hats/
. Indoors, a man always takes off his hat, except:
(1) in public buildings, such as railroad stations or post offices;
(2) in entrance halls and corridors of office buildings or hotels;
(3) in elevators of public or office buildings
from http://www.countrycalendar.com/Country_Store/hats/faq_cowboy_hats.htm
FAQ's About Cowboy Hats
Some standard, base-line points of etiquette:
¨ Any time you enter a building, the hat should come off.
¨ If it is an informal occasion you may put it back on but for a formal occasion it should stay off.
¨ When sitting down at a table for a meal, the hat should come off unless there is nowhere to safely lay the hat.
¨ When sitting down at a counter for a meal, the hat can stay on.
¨ Out on the range however, keep your hat on while you eat. If you take your hat off, another wrangler might step on it or spill food into the rim.
Now all of the above rules are frequently ignored or modified depending on the locale, the situation, the people etc. So use your best judgment and if in doubt, stick to the above rules to be sure you're not offending anyone's sensibilities.
from http://www.canadiancowboy.com/hats.html
The CanadianCowboy.com Hat Guide
Okay! Just having a little fun this morning.
I started out this morning with a conjecture that perhaps the obsession for wearing a cowboy hat (and perhaps to a lesser extent a baseball cap) inside might have something to do with a complex concerning the wearer's subjective feelings of genital inadequacy. I
could not find a good reference, but I think the idea has merit.
Perhaps you know a "shrink" who could comment on this condition.
And Finally,
The Unwritten Rules of Restaurant Behavior
*Be careful to conform to the dress code, if there is one. If people are not allowed to wear jeans, and if men are required to wear jackets and ties, don't try to force the management into making an exception in your case. One should dress appropriately according to the restaurant, some of which have high prices and a formal atmosphere that the clientele happens to like.
Letitia Baldrige's Complete Guide to Executive Manners
October 19: I hate hats. I want to see people’s eyes and hair (or even bald head), not hats. I think that women should have to remove their hats too. As you know, I am young and female, not an old- fogey. Hats are rude and unattractive.
October 18: Your October 13 News reached us. We are very pleased with Joseph's dealing with the boorish man with the hat. Celebrity or not we're glad the churl was thrown out. Men indoors with hats are an abomination -- we support completely your hat policy.
October 13: Thanks for the considered reply. I appreciate your
insistence on observing certain amenities; they do make a pleasanter environment.
October 18: Your October 13 News reached us. We are very pleased with Joseph's dealing with the boorish man with the hat. Celebrity or not we're glad the churl was thrown out. Men indoors with hats are an abomination -- we support completely your hat policy.
October 15: Cheryl, despite the situation you described regarding the famous person, I for one, am 100% in favor of a no hat policy. It IS a sign of respect. Again, you are not a fast food joint or a diner. You are a fine restaurant in which people dine because they want to make a special night of it. Noisy antsy kids, baseball or other chapeaus, and shorts should NEVER be acceptable (re: shorts---I personally would not wear them in any eating establishment short of a Micky D's or BK, and I recoil at it when I see men and women going into sit-down restaurants with that kind of attire). ...If it is summer in Saratoga and people come in directly from "recreating", and they have shorts on--or baseball hats, (even at the bar) well, too bad....go home first and change.
Re: the bar---the bar is part of Chez Sophie---why should hats be allowed there? Make it a total policy. It's an elegant bar, not a beer hall. It would likely make life easier all around.
October 15: Well, we started a small firestorm with that email to you. Great to be published and youthful to boot. Don't waste a bottle of champagne .... There are plenty more customers out there who will enjoy a no hat environment just as the no smoking law produced more, not less, business despite the doom and gloom prognostications of the restaurateurs and tobacco lobbyists.
October 15: It is your restaurant and your decisions. My opinion is to operate it the way your heart and head tell you to.
We have lowered the standards in education, manners, medical and ever other standard of living over the last years. Stay strong! Keep the "bar" high. Maybe just maybe others might follow.
Good luck. Your restaurant looks fantastic!
October 15: I've been thinking about the hat issue, and while I admire your lack of sexism in instituting a policy universally, I have come up with some concerns.
First, for women, a hat may more commonly be considered an accessory to an outfit, rather than merely a piece of outerwear. As an accessory, it may be used to cover "bad hair." And hats have been generally accepted in and outdoors for women. Although men may use hats to make a statement (particularly the big western hats), they generally are considered more part of outdoors/outer wear.
I had considered religious Jewish women who may not show their hair, and again, a hat is an important accessory to them. However, that became somewhat moot, because someone that religious would probably keep kosher, and therefore be unlikely to dine at Chez Sophie.
But a bigger concern that I see is for the woman who is undergoing chemotherapy, and her hat allows her to feel comfortable in public. A very dear friend of mine could not wear a wig, and even a silk scarf against her sensitive scalp was irritating; she lived in public in soft hats. And at the moment, I have several other close friends in the throes of chemo, but with whom, we're trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy. We still go out to dinner ("girls night out") as we don't want to change that. And of course, some sort of head covering is de rigueur for them, whether a hat, scarf, or wig. (Perhaps we'll celebrate an end of chemo Chez Vous!)
And so that this should not appear sexist, what about the man who is undergoing chemo, and uncomfortable with the looks of his scalp. (The appearance of a scalp on a chemo patient may well be moth-eaten.)
So hard and fast rules notwithstanding, I would think it best to ease back slightly on the hats, and acknowledge that there may be a legitimate reason and need to retain one's headwear while dining, that you not deny someone the delights of Chez Sophie because of an unbendable rule.
October 15: Do you make exceptions to the no-hat rule for people who wear a head covering for religious reasons?
October 16: (Response from Chez Sophie) Of course. And we'd never ask a chemotherapy patient to remove a hat if they weren't comfortable with that. And we'd never tell someone their service dog couldn't come into our restaurant. It's not about being ridiculous. It's about trying to remind people that we're not a public rest stop or a McDonald's so that their behavior contributes to an experience that is finer than average.
October 14: I think you're working way too hard to enforce a meaningless hat rule and when you lose customers because of it and risk their "bad will" you ought to back off the rule.
Would you ask a woman who wore a hat to cover her hair loss from chemotherapy to remove her hat ??? If your answer is yes you will certainly lose the business of me and my friends.
October 14: (response from Chez Sophie) I wouldn't ask someone to remove religious headgear either, or leave their service dog in the car. It's not about making people uncomfortable. It's about the fact that every time someone, particularly a gentleman, wears a hat at the table, a large number of his neighbors are offended. I got more than a hundred emails from people supporting a "no hat at the table" policy yesterday.
October 13: You simply impress us more and more each day. We find your HAT ISSUE, refreshing, encouraging and admirable. It is unbelievably refreshing and uplifting to hear of people and businesses like yourself that insist on some common courtesy and decency. Now, remember I am speaking for several generations here, including people in their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's & 60's and including a five year old who never understands why someone wears a Hat indoors.
October 13: I just LOVE reading your words....you certainly have a way with them!
October 13: The hat issue is a tough one. I don't think women should have to remove their hats because hat hair is a big issue. Men, who are gentlemen (not too many left), should be required to remove cowboy hats and baseball caps no matter who they are. It is simply impolite and uncouth! For all those who might chastise you, I'll bet there are more who will applaud.
Go Joseph!!!
October 13: We enjoyed this newsletter - we have the same feelings about observing people wearing hats in the restaurant. It's the epitomy of rudeness and crass behavior, and we don't think that person was entitled to wear his hat - international celebrity or no international celebrity. It's a sign of total disrespect for the hosts and all those who are dining around them. (My husband) can often be found wearing a baseball hat working around the house, but being a military man, it's ingrained in him that he takes his hat off in a restaurant (AND bars) or place of worship.
There's a sign on the front desk regarding hats and coats. Joe offered to take the hat and coat from the erstwhile gentleman... That's a pretty clear sign that you say, "Yes, thank you, here you go" and offer the hat and coat to be put away. While we weren't there to observe this happening, to not "get it" is, in our opinion, the height of arrogance. Good riddance. We find life is too short to put up with others' crass behavior, but also understand you and Paul are in a difficult position.
(And my parents were worried I'd never learn to express myself fully after losing my hearing....) :)
For every person you lose, you'll gain more loyal customers because of the great standards and atmosphere of your restaurant. Keep the faith. :)
October 13: I almost always take the time to read "this week's news from chez sophie" and enjoy keeping up with you guys through the medium. This week's news is really a "topper", though! ;-)
Joseph and Cheryl both behaved within the completely acceptable confines and norms of decent societal behavior and neither should feel any remorse whatsoever. There is no right way to handle a situation like this. I truly believe that whatever you might have done to gently urge the gentleman to yield to your rules would have been met with incredulity and/or hostility. Celebrities and the wealthy are, thankfully, both classes of people that you see as guests more often than I (bless you all). They seem to feel more than most other groups that they are immune to the rules that govern the rest of us all (at least as far as the social graces are concerned). Like Cheryl, I believe that regardless of class, gender or celebrity, we should all respect the same rules as set down by others when eating in their dining establishments or visiting their homes. It is the height of ignorance and ill behavior for this gentleman to have made Joseph and Cheryl feel bad about their behavior. They were simply trying to deal with someone else's and that is always going to be a thankless task. Being in the "hospitality business", as well, I fully understand and sympathize. You guys are great and as Sammy Davis must have said a million times, "Don't ever change, Babe!"
October 13: Another great "column." I have to tell you I am flabbergasted. Has it really come to this? I feel as though I was raised in another century. (I was, of course.)
I do not often feel able ($$$) to come to your glorious restaurant, but I can tell you I would NEVER do so in less than a suit or a blazer. A great restaurant deserves the respect of appropriate dress. Thank you for TRYING.
October 13: I love the hat rule and I’m not an old fogey either! On many occasions I have been stuck out with grown men who want to wear a baseball hat. I don’t even let my 10 year old’s friends keep them on at our table. Stick to your rules, people need to have manners!
October 13: You certainly hit it with this one. I have been wearing a “Cowboy” hat for thirty years-everywhere. Western tradition has the hat on unless in a private residence, church or court room. Unless you change the policy I won’t be visiting again.
October 13: (response from Chez Sophie) I'd hate to lose you as a customer over a dress code, but I have to say that your gorgeous cowboy hat has caused me anguish in the past. It was after your last visit to the diner that we took our small "please remove your hat" sign and blew it up to 48 points and taped it to the front door. Joseph was out sick the last time you came or it would have come down to a conflagration. I wasn't firm with you because your guests warned me that it would turn into a war of wills and I wasn't up for it that night, and I was afraid that the resulting tussle would disturb my other guests. Three tables near you were scandalized, however, and complained bitterly that I wasn't enforcing the one little dress code rule we espouse.
My research shows that even cowboys are not immune to the rule of etiquette that you don't sit down at the dinner table with your hat on. There may be places in the West where people are not expected to remove their hats as a show of courtesy, but I'll say, with all due respect, that New York is in the American East. There may also be places in Texas where it's acceptable to carry a sidearm on full display in public, but we're not in Texas.
If this is a subject of interest to you, I've enclosed a few of the three dozen responses to the hat email that I received within a few hours of sending it. I've also quoted a few websites on hat etiquette, for your interest.
October 14: (Response from the same gentleman) You have every right to choose your customers, and I my dining places.
October 13: Great email, as always.
October 13: Cheryl - What a nightmare with the celebrity. I'm so sorry. My grandfather would have loved your rules. He only died in 2003 but he was a gentleman from the start - and that start was in 1910.
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